Machines

"Press one if you want to report something missing or stolen, Press two for customer service, Press three for credit options” You press three. “Sorry Im Sorry I did not hear you make a choice please try again” You press three again. “Sorry I did not hear you make a choice please try again” You press three again. “Sorry I did not hear you make a choice please phone back later” You now only can hear a dial tone.

Sound familiar? Why is it that there is always a ridiculously huge gap between the options so that you end up making a cup of tea and have drunk half of it by the time the next option and you boiled the water in the pan not even in the electric kettle. However by the time you get to your option you’ve forgotten what you made the phone call for in the first place and end up hanging up anyway or it will have given you so many vague options that you will pick the wrong one and end up having to ring again.

I mean I am only having to top-up my mobile phone because the annoying thing keeps sending text messages while its in my pocket and calling people at ridiculous hours of the night without hanging up my credit has very quickly become a debt developing at such a rate it would rival Dubai’s percentage of expansion. Of course it has a keypad lock but that little key in my pocket has found a way to unlock my phone as soon as I put it in my pocket not to mention the fact the mobile is possessed. While I am texting Johnny, from round the corner up the road and round a few more corners telling him I will meet him at the station in half hour, my phone will suddenly text half a message to him, I wont notice continue hitting buttons then it will send the second half. But this means I get charged twice for sending one text because my phone is more intent on ripping me off than most bank managers.

By the time you have actually got anywhere with your phone call to top-up your phone you have got wasted so much time now you will have to run to the local supermarket to but some dinner. So you get in the car and drive off setting your sat nav to where you want to go and all you get is “recalculating” which basically means “I’m lost wait for me to work out where I am so I can tell you to do a left or right on this straight road”. By the time you get to the supermarket you will have to pay at the machine for your parking ticket. This is where I ask the god forsaken person that makes these ticket machines why does it always not like one of the coins you give it? They are perfectly the same as all the other coins but it never likes one and you never have any other change in order to pay the rest of the money.

After getting over the ticket dilemma using a pick axe and a large sledge hammer. Walk into the supermarket walking round the isles I notice certain little things that I need as in chicken, cheese then I notice a fire alarm I really need to replace my last one as I took a chainsaw to the last one. I don’t really think fire alarms would actually keep you alive at all they spend too much time going absolutely ballistic about silly little things like someone walking under it let alone burning your toast wow then it’s a psychopath with a siren. The problem is it spends all this time wasting your time and reducing its life span that when there is an actual emergency it will simply die. The mental patient will wake up and start screaming at you while you sleep but it will very quickly die and do one of those pitches down deaths then die and thus killing you. Although even if it did wake you, you wouldn’t be able to call for help because you’ll have no credit aren’t machines great….