Noise of doom

There was just a noise from upstairs I think I should be concerned but strangely im not at all.

My day has been fairly content-less with regards to this blog but never fear I will have some as tomorrow I am at work. Well…

I do have content but it’s not fair at all to post any of that here, I basically sorted a lot with an old friend I kind of fell out with and I feel great about it. I have missed them a lot and finally I’m getting somewhere not too far but a good start to regaining a brilliant friendship, I also realised how much I have grown up just in the last few days, My future is so important now and I could have done so much better in my results sure they got me into uni, on the course I would have done anyway but I could have got A’s If I could have been arsed, sure I would still have done a foundation degree but it would give me something to fall back on and I was stupid not to try harder, anyone that is in the first year of sixth form or college and hasn’t done as well as expected, don’t sit there and become complacent, work, try harder and get the grades you can get, sure I got into uni and im overjoyed about it but I’m still kicking myself in the arse because I could have done so much better if only I tried so if you read this blog and believe in one thing I say let it be this try your hardest at everything, otherwise you get a huge feeling of self pity and negative energy. I may feel like it now but I’m turning the negative energy into an amazing feeling called hard work, commitment and results, do the same or you will kick yourself.

I miss my boys like mad fish boy got back today and I have spoke to him but it’s not the same without both of them.

I miss them.

I miss Becky too.

I miss a lot of things in fact and I want them all But I can’t have them anyhow bed soon up in like 9 hours for work.

*End of transmission*

Update:

I must use this blog for the real purpose I didn't last month in fact I barely used it, from now on I will not fail to disclose what I have been up to unless I am legally obliged not to say anything, I went to Becky's today and we had a general spazz about it was great, its how I fell in love with and we haven't really been able to do that for a while and of course we took the donkey out of wombat girl aka Emily her sister was hilarious even if all she did was sulk about it.

I'm now sat here listening to Colin Murray on radio one and want to do nothing more than be a radio DJ it is something that has always been there but am not sure really how to get there sure the radio show was an idea to get there but now that I look at it a chat radio show is not how to achieve a radio career I need to find a way to do the same sort of thing with music, of course this does not mean I will stop the radio show because I love doing that who wouldn't? Sit and chat with three of your best friends taking the piss out of each other and other people namely Dartmoor cannibals, but that's not the sort of thing I would like to do for a radio show I want music as that's what radio is about, so I guess I will have to work on that.

If I'm honest I'm not really looking forward to this month so many people are away I don't think I will manage to have many days with several people around me but it does mean that I can have time to myself and sit down to relax, which is good, this month has to set the foot line's of everything that I want to achieve in my life as its the last month before I start uni, and I won't have much time once I am there to start doing more stuff.

I'm beginning to be able to manage working at staples, OK its boring but its well paid and now that I don't care what anyone else thinks about me it's a bit more enjoyable unfortunately I don't think Crawley will be able to keep in September because they don't have a lot of free hours but I might be able to transfer to Horsham which would be great because not only will I not have an extended period without pay but I will get to work with two friends and keep the job that I'm beginning to enjoy which is brilliant.

I stopped using this blog and all forms of internet because I became all to aware of internet stalkers and it made me panic a little but I'm now sat here after a conversation with Becky and you know what she's annoyingly right, why should someone liking me put me off doing what I'm doing? If anything it should incite me to do it more, I'm not one for fame but to think you make someone somewhere, you don't even know smile or help them is amazing and quite honestly I'm doing what I like and if someone does not like it then tough pooshizzle.

Over and out!

DAY 03

Aha another video! Not seeming so random now is it?

But it is, this music reminds me of people that are special to me especially the people currently in my life that I care about possibly too much, So my challenge today or more request is to say not who this song if any this song reminds you of but what that person is like and what they make you feel like when you are with them and comment below ^_^

Enjoy tomorrow will not have a video, Or will it?

Holidays

I hate holidays, I would rather spend two weeks off at home than spend two weeks in a foreign country that you would rather not go to...

Now If it where a place I wanted to go to I would enjoy myself and forget about all the things that bug me on holiday. I don't enjoy my families company first off, their idea of fun is simply not the same as mine or what they do on holiday I do in my everyday life, so just don't see the point of travelling to another country to do it. I also get a sensation that I have left a socket on at home and as stupid as this sounds to someone with OCD being 3000miles away from the said plug socket is annoying as hell. I won't have my dogs with me, I sit with them every night and talk to them and play with them without that routine I will be driven insane. If I get a bathroom I don't like I will be driven insane again by OCD I hate showering in the shower after someone else has used it or if it not my shower let alone if 1000s of people have used it in the past. And then theres the packing its bloody stressful you need another 2weeks off just to get over the packing. Basically to me holidays are stressfilled OCD fests so why would I want to go on one?

To please my mother...

Wonderwall

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Such a good song and perfect along with the classic that is iris at the moment, I'm liking the way I have things planned and have already achieved so much of my targets for this month so happy right now ^_^

Smiley Post ish

Today has been a good day very good if you consider the fact that I started my exams today, I miss someone a lot and not who I expected to miss either for a lot of time I have maybe I will sort that out maybe I won't I don't know the thing that's so odd is I shouldn't be missing them I should be missing someone else.

Anyway, Good day because I sorted all that stuff out in my head, I know what I will do, I like my idea a lot, booking my driving test which is awesome but I'm not telling anyone when it is, I got all the money I need for stuff, tax man owed me moneys and I got the cheque today for it all which is totally awesome. It means I can go out and buy a car soon and buy an I-phone hopefully by the 11th.

My parents want me to go on holiday but I really don't want to go, I hate the idea of a holiday and taking me to a place that will be surrounded by little children and chavs is not my idea of relaxing. Why would I want to go to some country that has the same problems as ours? and go to the place in the country that has the kind of people I hate with a passion? I mean if I wanted to go on holiday it would be to get away from the crap we have here not go to another country just to experience it in the warm and in a denser environment.

As I said yesterday Hindsight is not for looking back and dreaming its for looking forward and creating. I want to use my experiences of my past to learn from and start creating my future that's constructive, I may or may not write a blog about all my mistakes its sat in my drafts incomplete but I feel that saying some stuff will dig up harshness and some people will see me for who I was and not who I am.

I'm changing and I don't know what I want to do but I shall do what feels right at the time and that goes for everything and mostly that, last night I nearly did something that if I had I would have regretted in the morning thanks to Aimee for stopping me seriously. As much as I'm still thinking about it a lot, If I had done it last night it would have been out of anger and confusion not the right reasons when anything like that pops up again I'm going for a walk and turning my phone off.

I like myself sometimes and I think I've killed "him" I haven't heard from him since I grew up last night. I'm proud of myself for the first time in my life. I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel.

^_^

Prat

Well exam tomorrow not done any revision for it.

Thanks to the prick that send me the comment on ever, I don't know who you are but I don't care If it is directed at me and I insulted you it was most likely in jest or you deserved it, I can't see anyone I have ever asked for help on my coursework other than my teacher. No-one I think I know who it is she's vindictive enough to do it if it is then thanks you made my day by realising that my new friends are fucking awesome and not low levelled prats like yourself.

I had a day of realisation yesterday and have had two or three conversations today about them, I can't help how I feel about life or anything else, but I am sorry, I have other stresses right now and I enjoy doing what I do when I'm with you guys but I needed to work out where everything was going, I'm going to take a break away from most things for a few days this will also let me read my exam pack inside out the weekend I want to take two days away from revision to catch up with the people I care about.

Then there's only four days until my last exam, which after I need to find a new direction for I need to do it soon I have 15 weeks off for summer before I go back and its worrying to think I have no plans of anything to do, I'm not sure I want to go to university any more is it for me? Only time will tell.

I want to go back and change things mostly to make life better for others not myself there is someone I know that deserves to be happy, I would love to make them happy time correction would help a lot with that.

Hindsight is not for looking back and dreaming its for looking forward and creating.

It needs to stop

I can't take it any more, there's two options and I'm not worried about taking either, right now I feel like I don't know you and all you are doing is pissing me off every time I speak to you with nothing.

Ever

Ever had that feeling that your just being used for your skills and that your not really wanted?

Shit week really

I'm still worried about stuff, I'm trying to manage what I did yesterday but with other stresses its just not possible, which sucks.

Other stresses listed as they popped up in my mind over a 3hour period.

1. We won't talk about that here because its mean even if it is really bothering me ALOT.
2. A while ago I made a decision and for the last 2 weeks or so I have been thinking I made the wrong one, its killing me because the decision I made is happy-ish just not as great as hoped and I still feel more inclined to go the other way. (this is vague so not to upset anyone)
3. MY WRIST IS FUCKING KILLING ME!
4. I'm going to take it as I didn't get the o2 job but they are too feeble to tell me, hopefully they just haven't rung around yet even though they did say I would find out by close of bussiness, I need to leave staples within 3 weeks or I will explode.
5. Exams, fucking evil bastard things that they are.
6. MY WRIST IS SOOO MUCH PAIN!
7. I miss the people that I care about, but I can't have them around me all the time.
8. I made the wrong decision, I know I did I think I have to live with it.
9. I'm generally not me.
10. Loves a bitch.
11. MY WRIST IS PAINFUL!!!
12. My spark is dying along with my soul.
13. I feel like I'm lying to myself.
14. Decision
15. MY FECKING WRIST!
16. I miss them.
17. I want to do it but don't.
18. MUST LEAVE STAPLES!
19. Decision I messed up.
20. Where's me?
21. Food needed.
22. I've not eaten all day.
23. I've not slept for four days...
24. SHIT! I really haven't.

Mostly I havn't slept as Im playing a few things over in my mind, health, who I am, how to get to what I want to do, the decision, wanting people nearer, finding a new job and then pain.

Broken

Everything is falling apart on my body.

I'm beginning to want a new one, but that's not possible.

Guys...

I'm worried, never have been before I got told some stuff on friday that blew my mind into several thousand pieces even if I seemed fine, I may need some help and time to glue it back together. Ask all you want but If I'm not in mood leave me be, If I'm not online its because I'm getting away from people, If you want to talk email, I just need space. If I ask to see you feel privileged.

Empty

One conversation, that's all it took to make me useless, I have no soul, no happiness. I feel so empty, I want to leave this house I have never wanted to leave only thought it would be a fun idea.I havn't felt like this for a long time. I want to die.

Paint relates to life?

My sister asked me what she should use to draw her picture with pens, pencils, paint or crayons. Simply I replied why not use all of them? As long as it looks good what does it matter what its drawn from?

Then it dawned on me. This is like life what does it matter what you do with it as long as you enjoy it? If we say a pen is an police officer, a crayon a vet, a pencil a engineer and paint a designer as long as they all form a nice picture or a nice life why don't you do all four? Of course you can't be a police officer and a vet at the same time there isn't enough time in the day, but for me a writer, designer, engineer and salesman. I could combine all four and more sure I would have to do it on my own most likely but why not? I know if I really want to do something I can do it, I will draw up a long term business plan over the next few days, It will take hard grit and determination to get where I want to be, I know where that is. One day I want to be looking at houses to develop, the next sat in a garage designing an engine then the following two days sat in a design studio working with a team and then to finish the week off I will be writing for my latest screenplay. Then spending the weekend working at a radio show. There is no real reason why I cannot do this.

Everyone is a piece of art made from all different pieces of medium, Its just a matter of
working out what your art is made from and piecing it together.

An observation

When you call people arseholes, technically you mean they are useful if we didn't have arseholes you would become very ill very quickly, so I guess the world needs arseholes to continuely function so really bad people have a purpose in life...

though they do get to deal with the shit.

Revision

For the first time in my life, I want to revise.

Yet deep down I know I tell myself revision is pointless, It truly is I don't really learn anything by it and haven't learnt anything over the past 2 years I could have taken these exams 2years ago and still got the same results so it really has been a complete waste of my time. Now I'm not even sure I want to go to university, well I do want to go to university just not to do engineering, maybe In two months time I will definitely want to do engineering but I'm just not sure that's where I see myself in ten years time or even five, right now I want to experience the world before I settle down, I want to know what is in the world, what there is to do and what I enjoy, I have tried a lot in my life but realistically I haven't even reached one percent of what is really out there. I know I will never be able to see everything I won't live long enough, I just want enlightenment really, that will make me happy.

Its a shame the British schooling system is so bad and is very outdated since when would you in real life be set an essay to write in a set time limit in real life? I just think they should be applied to more realistic subjects and even layouts of exams should be changed, social skills are not taught nor is common sense two of the most important things needed in life. Also the British system does not give you very broad knowledge of the outside world you are just pushed into a box, well I don't like being forced into a box so I hope university is different.

SOMEONE SAVE ME!

Regrets

I don't really regret anything, I mean anything, but I regret going to sixth form, I should have left for a college. I'm glad I still met the people I did and I can't say I have gained much from sixth form. I will miss college life but sixth form life is completely different, I don't talk to anyone there really, I don't have much in common and none of them know anything about me, I guess that's the way I like to work, without people knowing much but I regret going there, even if I hadn't gone to collyers. I would have been a happier person over the last few years of my life. Sixth form is not for everyone, certainly not me!

WOO!

Yay for working on portfolio

Sounds stupid but I feel more professional with my new hair, even if I'm not sure I like it....

I feel like I can write more, draw more and arrange more.

I like it but don't.

*Back spasm interrupts stream of consciousness *

Oh yeah basically I get to see everyone this weekend but its a bit of a bitter sweet as It will be the last time until holidays which some may say its only a few weeks away but when I know they are free as am I its annoying as hell, I miss my best friends so much especially Gav, Fritz, Becky, Aimee, Nemo and Steff :( but I might see them tomorrow ^_^

meh

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

mmm

I'm doing that thing again where I sit here with my guitar and just play a resounding E note on the top string is sounds so good yet, I know what it means...

It means I'm bored shitless and would rather be shoving some kind of antelope up my rectum rather than sit on this chair staring blankly at a laptop screen surely there must be something better to do right now?

I would be diabloing (I don't care if its not the right term sue me) but my wrist is killing me, I really am beginning to dislike the digital world, sure its made my life easier may be getting me a few jobs now that I have pulled my finger out and this is blog. NO. I'm not calling it a blog this is my diary really just other people can read it. This is amazing and is making me smile day to day and really helping me get rid of him.

I just wish I had some inspiration to paint or draw, I love art, I have told myself after tonight I shall not write any more on the novel until after my English exam as It is distracting me a lot, So I will need something to take up the time, I'm beginning to collect photos for my walls/desk I'm going to cover everything up here with photos it will be great and hopefully inspire me, I want to draw a picture of someone naked anyone for offers?

Meh bored, need of creativity, need of naked people (preferably women) don't worry it will stay between us and I guess wanted to find something to replace PC time.

email me invisible.jeff@googlemail.com

GAR!

YEAH I'M ANNOYED I CANNOT DO ANYTHING BLOODY RIGHT CAN I??!!!!!

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, I GIVE UP!

*I don't really care if you read this, I either say it here or scream into your face, I just don't think you understand me anymore, I was being nice and saying I don't really have the money to waste but seeing as you took as me not wanting to spend time with you, I'm upset, hurt and annoyed, I like spending time with you but you just don't see it and that hurts more than anything...

:(