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Im trying to put down how I feel about today and everything thats going on inside my little head, I messed up big time, I should have stopped but I loved it, I don't regret it I never could, It was perfect but yet caused my whole world to explode around me.

Some things in life are there to test us, this is by far my biggest test, I hate it, I thought I had everything sorted out, I did.

I still do, I know as good as it is I will never let it work properly which sucks, The other thing doesn't even matter, I just know I will always wonder where it went wrong it could have been perfect and amazing, It still is amazing and was the single handed best but worst thing I have done in a long long time.

The other thing, I just don't know what to do now because of you and that night, I don't hate you for it, thats impossible, you mean too much the only thing I can think of is that song you found on here not so long ago and say thats how I am, Too close, I feel like I will only hurt you all and ruin all of your lives.

I would love for it to work out OK but I just can't bring myself to let it because of the past, I hate thinking about the past and always try to move on from it, If i didn't I would explode and lose the will to live but now the not so distant past changes everything, you hurt me a lot by not knowing what you wanted and you don't seem so convinced that you want to again,Its been killing me the last few days, I can't do it if your so unsure yourself, but then I'm not sure I can do it anyway with anyone or anything, maybe I'm just not ready, So between the two it's likely I will choose neither even if it means missing out on great things, I know I won't lose anything over it, but if something was to show me that you where serious about it all and truly wanted it I would be there but I just can't do it until then, I'm not risking getting hurt again. Sorry.

I'm sorry I can't tell you to your face but I know you read this and I know you will understand.

^_^

I love you

xxx